ismsarebad

..."But I'll shout my love to the stars!"

The movie was okay. I fell asleep halfway through, actually. People from block were there! Awkward! Amelia, Megan, and I had fun before the movie started, while we made fun of the previews. It was quite interesting how the three of us were the loudest compared to the rest of the theatre (and, the show was sold out. Yeah.)
I slept over at Megan's house and we had fun. We fell asleep at around one or two in the morning and was greeted by freshly made waffles. They eat like KINGS over there, I tell you!

I am extraordinarily tired (we woke up at seven or eight, and I didn't get that much sleep in the first place) and considering the fact that I have tons of homework, I need to read my book, and that I need to finish my dress SOON since the dance is next Saturday... And that my father will not allow me to do any homework because he says, and I quote- "You look like crap."

I think I'm gaining weight. Which is good, but I feel slightly unhealthy. I haven't weighed myself yet, but my tummy is getting bigger. And is staying that way for more than a few hours. I don't know what to think of it, though, because I heard gaining alot of weight in a short period of time is bad. And since I have this stabbing pain within my abdomen, I'm not sure if that is good, either. Oh, you're not convinced as to why I should be worried? Here is a tally of the things I have consumed within the last twenty four hours:
- a chimichanga with beans and rice
- half of a serving of fried ice cream (I shared with Amelia
- a brownie
- Starbursts
- Mike and Ike candy
- four waffles
- roughly, a cup of strawberries and whipped cream (about half a cup of the latter)
- chinese food (which included rice/mongolian beef/ teriyaki chicken)
- five pieces of pizza

I never eat that much in one day.

I love Amelia to death. But ever since I explained my atheism (No, I wasn't all like, "OMGZ! GOD DOESN'T EXIST!!!" I don't ask for confrontation like that.) she has started to quote the bible to me. I'm not sure if this is a coincidence or not, and needless to say, it gets a little awkward. I don't say anything about it to her, I just let it slide, but I'm not sure how to think of it. I really hope she's not trying to help me "find my way", or that she will pray for me or something. I give her more credit than that, really, but you never know when it comes to religion. People become VERY different people when it comes to religion (example: A perfectly intelligent person may proceed to believe the myth concerning the existence of god.)

You want to hear something truly funny? Get this- Chuck Norris believes atheists are involved in a conspiracy to make the world an evil place, therefore, abolishing Christianity. Check it out (this has tons of lingo within it, so I added notes within the brackets):

"Chuck Norris is an internationally-known killing machine and born-again Christian who has just discovered the Blasphemy Challenge [An internet challenge started by the Rational Response Squad, in which they challenge atheists to blaspheme God, videotape it, and put it online] As of this report, Brian Sapient [he's the dude in charge of the Blasphemy Challenge and of the Rational Response Squad] and crew are fortifying their "bunker" with lead and concrete. This, of course, will not work.

Chuck advises all theistic patriots to "be wise to atheists' overt and covert schemes, exposing their agenda and fighting to lay waste to their plans."

To inform his readers of the correct plan of attack, Chuck details the Evil Atheist Conspiracy's™ 5-year plan (procured, no doubt, from the freshly slain corpse of one of our operatives). This includes:

Outlawing Christianity

1. by causing a goof-up at the mint, resulting in "In God We Trust" being accidentally left off some new dollar coins.
2. by joining the Freedom From Religion Foundation and ensuring that the first amendment to the U.S. Constitution is correctly applied.
3. by discovering the existence of a nonbelieving Congressman.
4. by forcing Congress to pass a hate-crime bill.

Targeting Children

1. by daring to raise them without religion.
2. by offering a non-religious summer camp for freethinking kids.
3. by providing an online forum to allow teenagers to question faith.
4. by offering unholy Richard Dawkins link buttons for MySpace pages.

Promoting Atheism

1. by purchasing Richard Dawkins' "atheist bible." (AKA The God Delusion)
2. by allowing Sam Harris to write letters. (Another book on atheism)
3. by ignoring the science that proves God.

It's clear- Chuck has our number, and I'd advise you all to clear out before you see the beard."

That was from another blog", which basically summarized this article.

I believe I have also gained another perspective of things. I've started to notice how stereotypical the world is, or at least, how it is portrayed within the media. It has ruined the things I used to laugh at. For example- there was a trailer I was watching (may I note- ANOTHER stupid religious movie. It's that ridiculous one about Noah's ark. I almost gouged my eyes out.) and this dude crashed into this woman's bus or something. A woman came out of the bus and started yelling at the man for it. Of course, this woman was black. I mean, imagine it- when was the last time you saw a woman yelling at a man within the media that was Caucasian? I do not.

"Miss America" is one of the most beautiful songs by Something Corporate. The beginning is an electric blue with thin black strips, and then a layer of gold, and then pink. And then it turns into a moving purple. It's swt.
I don't know, I haven't talked about synesthesia in a while. I really should. I feel like I don't appreciate it as much as I should. But when I write about it, it loses value and sentiment.

... "I feel that when I'm old, I'll look at you and know, the world was beautiful."

I'm going to see Pirates of the Caribbean at six today and then I'm going to sleep over at Megan's house.

Today was awesome. Everybody loves field trips. I mean, EVERYBODY. So today was rad. I really wish it lasted forever! Megan, Gene and I hung out most of the time. It was cool, except Gene hardly talks. Amelia and I shared ice cream and a good time was had by all. Oh, and I have this new thing now- adding the suffix "-ize" to every verb I say. Swt.
On the way back, it was really hot. I was sweating pretty badly when I got to science.
We made brownies today in food science. I wouldn't say they were great. They were way too chocolate-y for my taste.

Tonight is going to be fun. Amelia is coming with us to see the movie!

I finished sewing my practice dress (AKA made from muslin) and it turned out well, mostly. I have to chop off a few inches from the side so it fits correctly BUT! I totally installed a non-wrinkly zipper. WITHOUT USING A ZIPPER FOOT. The invisible zipper foot I got absolutely sucks. Or at least, the instructions on the back. It tells me how to assemble the zipper foot, BUT NOT HOW TO PUT IT ON THE MACHINE! And no, this is not common knowledge because it is virtually impossible to insert a square into a circle. So there. The answer is not that obvious.

I am currently compiling Megan's birthday present. I'm getting better at this whole gift-giving thing, I think. Or maybe I'm just getting worse and people are way too polite. But either way...

We're starting the anthology in english and I have no idea where to begin. When I introduce myself in the thing, the first idea I want to write about is my whole atheism thing. But I'm not sure if people will like that. O.o
I'm tired of having to walk on eggshells whenever I talk about this stuff.

Okay, so! Rant time!
"If Work Permits" is just about the best song ever. But then again, I say that alot. I love it so! At the beginning, it is really acoustic and boring and then they hit you with electric. It's freaking rad. The Format should have my babies.

There was this hobo riding a bicycle next to the sidewalk on the way back to school. I decided this dude should have my babies. I don't know his name, but I decided to name him (I forgot what I named him at the time, but the last name was...) Hamsterdam and yes, he's from New Hamsterdam. He owns platypuses. Woot.

... "And I believe it, I believe that you are gone and I was the one to let you... I can't handle three nights, so I shudder to think when the nights turn to weeks."

Gah!
I am now assigned the duty of doing the laundry. Yes. I knew it happened to other people but I didn't think it'd happen to me. So, I've spent my entire day worrying over whether or not the load is done because I'm afraid of not getting a load done. Stressful business, doing the laundry!

I also spent the afternoon (during loads) trying to figure out how my dress is going to look! I've decided the dress will be cross-bred between about three dresses from Baby The Stars Shine Bright, I believe. I'm not quite sure. But these dresses are beautiful- hopefully it'll work out!

I need to get started on creating my crinoline, which I have drafted. It's terrible though, because there are virtually NO instructions online. Anywhere!

I finally finished the math review a few minutes ago. But it doesn't help that I absolutely need to finish another book by the end of the weekend, but I can't focus on anything because I am so worried about my dress! Oh, and I need to shower.

AND! I need to figure out what is going on with Teagan's birthday because I said I would go hang out with her, but considering the fact that the dude she likes is going to be there... I do not think she is going to talk to me much. Or when she does, she's just going to tell me the same inside secret we've been playing over and over for the past year.

Uh. I went to Old Towne with Allie yesterday. It was swt. I got sand dollars and some really cool rocks. But since we went to the library beforehand, I had to carry around the hugest bag of books (although, it has not been the biggest as of yet) As a result of such hard-core exercise, my arms hurt. We ate lunch at a bakery. We saw April. Oh! I also bought the beloved Rowan Classic yarn (ten percent cashmere!) and Jo Sharp Silkroad Aran (five percent cashmere... What can I say? It was *kind of* on sale!) But yeah, I totally wasted all of my money (fifteen dollars for two skeins! I couldn't believe it, either)

You know of when I stated I finally grasped the concept of death? I think I was wrong. I really think I have it this time, though. I'll tell you something- I've never been one to fear death. Never. Which is another reason why I do not buy into the whole Christianity thing. But anyways- I was just thinking of how when you die, how incomplete it would feel. And how one wouldn't even know they are dead after. And how you would be (yes, another cliche) nothing. Absolutely nothing. It's such a weird concept to grasp.
And here we go! Pseudo-intellectual ramblings!

Oh, and I realized why people our age are smarter than they appear. And that is because we have so much time on our hands (thanks to the now broken National Association of State Boards of Education.) to think about things like this during school. Hah. (This idea was *kind of* stolen from Samson after he told us about how there will never be another Isaac Newton)

Oh, but I didn't steal this idea! I believe I once read "safety pins- nonexistent while necessary, strangely abundant when not." somewhere. Forget about the part about safety pins, you get the point. People notice safety pins (forget about the part about forgetting about safety pins. This is a good example.) when they are around, not while they aren't. So of course it seems like they are abundant while not necessary, because one only counts the hits and not the misses!
*chikapow* what now, universe?!

And with the whole tagging thing..
I love how I have forty-three "big life events". I suppose I should have labeled these entries as "highly sentimental", considering one of the posts includes a *cough* certain conversation I had with a certain *someone*.

... The smarter you are.

I went to the movies today with Riza, Cody, Trish, Amelia, Cameron, Courtney, Angela, and some dude named Josh. No, not that one. Or that one.

It was fun. We then went to the mall to buy Riza a dress for her pageant. She didn't find one. She went to Benita's. Didn't find one. We also went to some lady's house/the hospital to get raffle tickets. We dropped cody off. His house is by the waterfront and is pretty.

I have been so moved (if that is the right word) by Spiderman 3, I have decided to write a review. Enjoy.

Spiderman 3 is the most ridiculous movie I have ever seen, and I feel I have wasted my life. From walking on bar tables to sappy break-up scenes to having a parade dedicated to Spiderman, I am convinced the people who made this movie are, indeed, on drugs. The movie was incredibly typical. I managed to correctly complete three sentences while watching the movie, it was so typical ("Who are you?" "I don't know.") I could not get past the fact that sand cannot possibly mimic the function of the human brain, so I could not enjoy the supposed "greatness" of Sandman. The only good part was that Harry forgave the dude. And that the dude from That 70s Show was in it.
Oh, and did I mention how shallow Mary Jane was in this movie? I could have slapped her. My broadway show this, "You don't care about me!" that, "omgz i cant sing!!111" oh, dear.
And did I mention the dude praying in church in the movie, asking God to kill spiderman? I laughed. Not only is he that smart to look to God out of superstition, but he asks him to kill him? Idiot.

I admit, it was funny at certain parts. But the serious parts were the funniest. So, what does that say about the movie? Any person who thinks that movie is epic or even good, I will label them as stupid, and be on my way.
The effects were terrible. Mary Jane was even lip-synching. Oh, and when spiderman was in a crowd, all the women in the crowd had their cleavage showing. ALL of them. The movie ended the same as the first and second movie, with a funeral.
This movie was absolutely ridiculous. I will never watch it again. Ever.
But will that stop me from seeing the fourth one? Definitely.

... "But they never set her free. And she looks at me and screams, "my castles are falling", and I can't look into the street without everything changing."

The sleepover was a success, surprisingly. Except for the fact that I really suck being a hostess.

We had lots of fun and talked alot.. We slept on the floor downstairs instead of sleeping on the couches. It was the worst nights' sleep I've ever received because we have hardwood floors.

I am currently working on my spanish project. I'm not loving this at all. But I managed to dig this up:
1. el monstruo volador de espageti hacìa el mundo, pero la mayorìa de la

gente no conocen.

2. el monstruo volador de espageti es muy ingenioso y mente todos los

tiempos.

3. el monstruo volador de espageti es de un planeta lejos de aquì y hizo el

mundo cuando el quiso a castigar su hermanito, el unicornio rosado invisible.

4. El unicornio hablaba a la gente un secreto de el monstruo volador de

espageti.

5. El monstruo volador de espageti penso a hacer el mundo y adiestraba la

gente a no les gustan el unicornio rosado invisible.

6. La esquema no cumple.

7. La gente que vivieron en el mundo no les importa sobre el unicornio.

8. La gente creieron el unicornio rosado invisible no existì y no creieron en

el monstruo volador de espageti.

9. El monstruo volador de espageti esta muy furioso porque don nadie conoce

el hizo el mundo.

10. El monstruo volador de espageti decidìa a terminar el mundo porque todos

los personas son lerdan y no hacìan que el monstruo volador de espageti les

quiso.

11. El monstruo volador de espageti no conozco como a termino el mundo.

12. El monstruo investigaba los posibilidades.

13. el unicornio rosada invisible tuve noticias de el periodico sobre el

mundo en la mañana y se encontro culpable.

14. El unicornio cree necesario a tentar a ayudarle.

15. El unicornio no se como a ayudarle, pero se encontro complaciente a

descubrir un modo.

16. El monstruo volador de espageti ya conozco como el pone fin al mundo.

17. El monstruo volador de espageti puse a hablar la gente estan a punto de

el apocalipsis de fuego y el modo solamente de escaparon es pasaron a la

clandestinidad.

18. El monstruo volador de espageti ponì a transportar la gente a un nave

espacial y viajaron para eternidad.

19. Entonces, la planeta hacer explosionar.

You can translate it if you have nothing else to do. I haven't edited it yet, so the translation might be a bit off.

... "Your words hit like a train and I can't ignore it, this moment could be our last, you fall in love and I'm running after, you move way too fast."

So, I'm preparing for tomorrow. It turns out that Zarren is coming over too. Uh. Great. He might be, I'm not sure, but it's because his brother has a doctor's appointment and we seem to be his family's backup. Which is just fine, but whatever.

I made alfredo last night and it sucked, I made it today for myself and it was great. What the *beep*, dude?! I had a family to feed last night. Argh.

I hate cleaning. I cleaned for an hour and a half and I am still nowhere near finished. So I am currently procrastinating (hence, the alfredo.) Thank FSM for this glowing computer screen.
Gah! I am in love!
part deux
AND AGAIN!

So. I am faced with the same dilemma as the last time I was assigned the role as hostess. What can teenage girls do at a sleepover? We're not really the kind of friends who paint each others' toenails. Actually, most of the time we end up just talking. And watching television/movies. And getting on the internet.

... "Inside her room, she paints me blue."

So, we are this lucky to have the clouds cry frozen tears during our break. Yes. I hope the world dies.

And you know those (OMGZ!) pictures that I took with Andrew McMahon/of Left Of The Castle/Seattle/Riza/etc. from like February that I promised that I'd post eventually?
I haven't scanned them or anything, but hey, I remembered last night after having a profound conversation with Anthony (no, not that one) last night over the interweb. So uh, yeah. I don't think I'll ever post them. Maybe one of these days, I'll take a picture of the piece of cardstock that (omgz!) Andrew McMahon totally signed.

And you know.. Plus 44 is coming to Tacoma in May. I would love to get number five crossed off of my list of things to do before I die, considering the fact that I got number four crossed off. Because I'm awesome. But you know what is not awesome? Tacoma = forty minutes away/lots of stupid girls will probably be there screaming. So uh, no. I would succumb to a mythological creature before being surrounded by screaming scenesters.

So, reason number two why I am awesome:

I made this a few weeks ago. And if you are not within my group of friends this would be quite odd. So- here's a recap: Trent and Amber were (maybe they still are.. O.o) partaking in a huge fight involving Trent being shorter than Amber (or maybe it was that Amber was taller than Trent..?) but yeah. That is how I do.

And you know reason number three why I'm awesome? Yes, my ability to add random things to my blog, such as artsy-fartsy picture #bajillion:

yesyesyesyes.

Maybe I'm just a bit hyper and I'm scouring through my photobucket O.o

And yes, that is me being awesome in California a year ago!

And that is another rad picture from a year ago.

hehe puppy.

Artsy fartsy picture number three within this post. Badonkahdonk!

Oh, and did I mention that I'm going back "home" after summer school? yupyupyup. Sucks though, the weather gets really hot over there.

And onward to the (omgz!) pictures that you have not viewed yet (to my knowledge O.o)

yaaaay!

And surprisingly- they do have nuclear power plants down south!

I decided five minutes ago that I will now bring back "rad". Nobody else has said that word in months- so I now appoint myself the person to say the word again. Rad.

My vision is starting to suck = not rad. Because my vision is starting to suck, I get to wear my glasses = totally rad. No matter what, Mr. Universe, YOU CANNOT SPITE ME! I TOTALLY OWN. BECAUSE I AM AWESOME.

Oh, sweet, sweet egotism.

... "And hope to make me worth your while... Does this make any sense at all? We're not sleeping and I'm not breathing, if this means anything at all, I won't let you leave me anymore. If this holds insignificance, I'll have the hearse follow the ambulance, no medicine exists to make my lungs work again, let's shake and burn, like an addict... If I said your smile was all that mattered, would you save my life?"

Ah, so this morning when I went to see Debbie- lo and behold- MY OWN RAMUNE! I thanked her a bajillion times, not just because she gave me candy- but she really did not have to do that at all. I brought it up very briefly. Here's how the conversation went about Ramune:
Debbie: Everyone attacked my Ramune and now I have none *frowns*
Amanda: OMGZ! Ramune! I love that stuff
Debbie: Yeah, and apparently everybody else does, too.
Amanda: It sucks though, that we have to go to Seattle to get it.
Debbie: There's an asian shop around here somewhere.

And that was it. I am so greatful (sp?) for her doing that for me. And even though it is very simple.. I think I have started to appreciate my life just a little bit more.

So I woke up the other night, and the first thought that came to my head was, "Can you believe that three months from now, I'm going to be thinking about how I wished that I cherished the moments I was having, three months earlier?"
It's weird, because I had never realized that before. I had not thought about the high school much- I saw everything as just going to the high school, but I didn't realize that things are going to be changing quite dramatically. And as corny as it is, I feel very safe and secure here. I really hope that does not change.

And so we have this new essay prompt. That I was so frustrated with, that I nearly e-mailed my english teacher to ask for an alternate assignment. I finally got it down, but my usual seven-page essay = three pages long including the bibliography.

Uh. And now I have decided that I am currently having a crush on my guy friend. I was opposed to it for a while because I feel like I have lived this before and the ending is not going to be that great. And actually, I still believe that. But I realize that even though this situation feels familiar, it is different, and I am a different person from even before junior high. So the way I deal with it will be better. And it is a different boy.
Another thing is, though, I hardly know him. But that can change, right?
Next- he's within my group of friends. That's pretty big. Anything I may or may not say is repeated throughout our group, typical, but true.

... "But I know who you are, say what you want but I know what you're thinking... If you fall in love, if you fall in love, hold nothing back, I'll fall in love, I'll fall in love and hold nothing back from you."

And so, in first period, Allie and Anabel wrote a wonderful story called, "Story of Amanda's Life" Or something like that. And as a response to that (because I know Allie will read this later.) I will edit said story. The edits are in bold. Enjoy the paradox.

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Amanda. She liked to eat babies and
small children. Amanda sang Christmas songs all year round!! “Jingle bells
Keisha smells, Brianna laid an egg, Alliemobile lost a wheel and Anabel got
away!!!” ^ Amanda sang joyfully.The songs were so annoying , that everybody wished that Amanda would
spontaneously combust. They then called her the "little boy bomb", though
others called her the "fat boy bomb". So One day, Amanda got really mad at the
people calling her names, soshe decided to she stole steal their souls with her eyes. Amanda
found Allie first. Allie was killed in an very odd way… -she was first stalked
by a bucked tooth (What kind of an adjective is that?!)donkey for a long time (How long? Be more specific. You suck at writing. :D) then the donkey started looking
like Amanda. Amanda got angry that Allie wouldn’t would not turn her into a prince, so
she pushed little Allie off a mountain then ran down the mountain to make
sure she was dead.(This is a run-on sentence. Break these sentences up!) Which She was and no one EVER found her body. Suddenly,
Amanda found out that she didn’tdid not kill Anabel, who had previously gotten
awaygotten away before, Amanda then sought to seek revenge on the one person whom she did not
kill. After years of searching, Amanda was not able to find Anabel but did,
however, find Keisha, her one true love(Uh. No. Allie+Keisha=Luv4evahhhhhh). Upon finding her, Keisha
instantaneously died. Everyone was heartbroken for about one second, then
they abruptly realized it was Keisha and forgot about itdid not care anymore. They actually threw a
parade in honor of Keisha’s death.This sentence contradicts the last. Anabel was at the parade and that is when
Amanda found her. Anabel noticed that Amanda found her and quickly tried to
escape. Amanda knew Anabel was going try and run so she set a trap. While
running, Anabel tripped but got up, howeverbut Amanda learned how to fly and
caught up to herAnabel and ate her in one biteall at once. In realizingWhen she came to the realization that she had killed
everyone, she was finally happy and spontaneously combusted.

The End.

Haha. Pwn'd.

So, besides that.

I was in the weirdest mood today in Spanish. I felt absolutely terrible. I managed to lay down on the floor and stare at the ceiling. I tend to put my body in weird positions when I'm all melancholic. Like hanging upside down from a bed/couch/whatever. Or laying down on the floor at staring at whatever is above me.

Food Science was rather fun. Spencer, Amelia, Cody and I manage to have fun while working on a collage of photographs of fruits. Yes.

Lunch was okay. Uh. The incident that happened the other day was that one of my guy friends tried to hold my hand. And I know that was what he was aiming for. Since he hugged me/touched me (not like that.)/etc. before and after. I'm not sure what to think of it. The depressing thing is, it's all I have managed to think about. And I've managed to create a little crush on him. Evolution > Me.

Math=quiz. It was not that bad. We're finishing it tomorrow.
Science= study period because we have a test on friday.

Oh, and did I mention that I'm in love?
My love for this dude is insurmountable.
/Iwanttohavehisbabies.

And do you love the new look of my (omgz!) livejournal? It took me forever and a day to figure it out and I hate how the links are in italics. I find italics really pretentious. I don't like it much but considering the fact that the only aspect of my journal that I subdue myself to is that I update it... I guess you guys will have to suck it up! HA!

Oh, no, they did NOT! Saves The Day=Love. Nightingale=Awesome. See You is definitely not their worst song, but not the best either. But whatever.

And then, right after I saw that. I read this:


"Pete Parada has left Saves the Day.
Message from Pete:
After four and a half years with Saves The Day, it saddens me to report that I have decided to leave the band. I wish them all the best of luck and look forward to starting fresh with a new band. Anyone who is interested can check out my new myspace page at myspace.com/peteparada.

word.
pete"

Since you are now travelling with me through cyberspace..

"The tracklist Punk Goes Acoustic 2 has been relesaed.

Tracklist
1. Jack's Mannequin - Bruised
2. The Audition - Don't Be So Hard
3. +44 - Baby Come On (Actually, I already downloaded that as a b-side.)
4. Daphne Loves Derby - Sun
5. Say Anything - Woe
6. Alesana - Apology
7. All Time Low - Jasey Rae
8. Silverstein - Red Light Pledge
9. The All-American Rejects - Night Drive
10. Mayday Parade - Three Cheers For Five Years
11. The Spill Canvas - Staplegunned
12. Relient K - Who I Am Hates Who I've Been
13. Anti-Flag - Welcome To 1984
14. Sherwood - The Only Song
15. Set Your Goals - Echoes"

yaayy. It's not the best, but I guess it will suffice. As I noted, I already have the acoustic version of "Baby, Come On". Because I am such an awesome person/Ihaveconnections. HA!

"And I know that you're a sucker for anything acoustic."
I couldn't help it.
/Brand New allusion.

... "Distance dilutes rewrites, and rewrites. But I keep asking you to tell me what is wrong, and you, you just tell me that it’s nothing at all. But in your helplessness, I can see. "

Lots of stuff has been going on.

I stayed home from school, if I hadn't noted that already.

Yesterday was Allie's birthday and it took me forever to decide what to get her. I hope she liked my present. It took my forever and a day to make it. I made a mixtape, and the CD jacket consisted of lottery tickets and the tracklisting was written on two pieces of cosmetic ingredient lists. It's cooler than it sounds. I also gave her some recipes.

I rode the bus home with Allie yesterday and stayed at her house, then we dined at the bistro. All in all, I had a wonderful time, though I feel guilty that they had to spend money on me. That restaurant was really expensive. Beautiful, but expensive.
I got home at like nine thirty. I love how lately, when I go out, I manage to get home well into the evening.

We went to McChord today. It's raining so much right now. So much for the whole spring-starts-on-the-twentieth thing.

I've been having conversations with the object of my affections. And I really suck at being a conversationalist with a person who is the epitome of my thoughts. It's almost like, when you have a dream about somebody and then you talk to them soon after, and you're afraid that it might show.

And he picked up one of the papers I was writing on that I was writing about him on. Uh. I'm counting my lucky stars there- I didn't write his name down. But he asked me who I was writing about. And I said nobody.
*roll eyes* it's about you. *feeble smile*
So then he wrote something in the middle of the text. I have no idea as to what those characters read. It's probably something really stupid.

... "So please take me far away before I melt into the ground, and all my words get used against me... Quit crying your eyes out. Quit crying your eyes out, and baby come on, isn't there something familiar about me? The past is only the future with the lights on."

That has been stuck in my head all day long. And "Make You Smile". They're both really great, though.

WASL'd. Uh. Extraordinarily stupid. I had no motivation to do it so my answers really sucked. Just watch, Amanda's going to graduate when she is thirty.

After I finished testing I was walking down the hallway to first period [we had like five minutes left] and Logan was at his locker. I went over to talk to him. Uh. The smart, amazing, sarcastic Amanda -> shy, nervous, trying-really-hard-to-impress, non-conversational Amanda. Thanks you so much, dear adolescent self-consciousness. I hardly even remember what I said, which is probably a good thing.

... But the scene was absolutely perfect. The mental image is by far, one of my
favorites. It's far too shallow for people to understand XD

Allie and I were walking to class with Logan to spanish as well. The smart and witty Amanda managed to fudge two sentences into the conversation. What does this remind me of?
( (actually, this wasn't what I was looking for, but eh! This conversation was in like January O.o) )

( XD I love comic relief. I giggled when I read this. This is what you're actually supposed to read FIRST. )

I also love lj-cut. Because I can reduce the entry size dramatically, which leaves you with *somewhat* less scrolling.

Oh, and did I mention that I now have an illness? Yes, I have a cold. Uh. It really sucks. And everyone around here is getting it. At least, if I'm sick enough, I'll be able to stay home tomorrow.

Uh. One- sleeping meds are not working.

I'm so tired of the world. I'm so tired of love. And couples. And touching. And exclusion. And inclusion. And drama. And supposed psychological maturation. And gifts. And love. And infatuation. And limerence. And invisibility. And visibility. And speechlessness. And hopelessness. And stupidity. And typicality. And hope. And dreaming. And losing sleep. And stress. And loneliness. And doubt. And confidence.

If happiness is created by the self, then why can't I create it for myself?

I mean- my life is perfect right now. But all I can think about is ______. My life is perfect and I can't even realize it because of that. It's so exhausting. And absorbing. It's amazing how much ignorance can hurt.

And it's the same. It will probably never change. And I don't know what effect these words are having. Are they making the situation better or worse for me?
( And coming to terms may not necessarily help me out, either. )

And no, I'm not writing this hoping for sympathy. You know me better than that. Despite the claims, I still believe these words will be left unread. I'm not expecting these words to be understood by anyone else besides me. Merely putting these words out of my mind makes me feel better, I guess. It's better than having them jumble around, hoping these qualifying poetic puzzles will be remembered.

Did you know that out of the 11,000,000 bits of information that we recieve per second, only forty of those are actually processed? Amazing, yes.

It doesn't make me a psychology nerd if I checked out a textbook on psychology to read recreationally, right?

This article has really got me thinking. But I still cannot find an answer..
Why do people define other people according to their musical preferences?
Even though I am extremely musically inclined, I cannot fathom the answer. I'm truly
stumped. O.o

I realize how typical I am. But isn't typicality hard to escape? People take
out whatever they put in. So if I try to see myself as such, I'd probably find some
arguments (whether it is weak or not) that support that idea. I just talk about the
same things all the time, it seems. Boys. Hopelessness. My current mental state.
School. Shopping. And my views of other people. But is that something that I should
be thinking about? If I were to broaden my horizons, what should I be thinking about
instead?

... "this is my anthology, this is my reason for treason, and she said she's moving to Ontario, and she said, she said, this is the last time you will be mine.. You've got a problem, through all these years, we're gonna lie, laying together baby, and when you roll with the punches, come along with me, we're gonna stay together, love, singing, love will be."

No WASL'd, today. But we do, indeed, have it next week. Uh. Yeah.

I was awake all night last night. No sleep for Amanda. At all. So I watched tons of tv movies (mostly starring B-list actors or that one girl from Full House.) and surprisingly, not ALL channels have paid programming during the nighttime.

I talked to him in first period today. Gosh, I miss him so much. And I separated myself from him, mostly because if I were to make a connection, it wouldn't be healthy at all for my psyche. I am such an idiot.

I got home and was welcomed by a comment from Trent. He used the acronym "plz". No. That's a definite turn off. I had the hugest urge to send him a comment back, like this:
"omgz i m sooooo sry 4 Bing smrtr than U. RLY!1111!!! i prmise 2 b mre careful nxt tme. ill b a lil stned when i do so, but jst soo lng as u undrstnd wut i am saying, u knoe! mi lil bro wus teh 1 who sent u that comment, not meh!
luv bbies <333333333"

I found out why everyone is all bummed out, and although I think that stating it here would be wrong, I still need to vent a little.
I'm really surprised. We're just fourteen. He was so smart, and he seemed nice enough. I am thoroughly amazed. And I feel terrible for her- her esteem is already low, and now he did this to her. You have no idea how badly I want to take all of her pain away and make her happy again. It's going to be such a long time until she is normal again. If that ever happens. She is so hurt and there is nothing that I can do or say to reverse it.

Dessa is probably going to get a boyfriend soon, I'm really happy for her. I told her about my situation with uhh.. Yeah. And she told me not to give up because the same thing happened to her with this new dude. Oh, god.

There are no phrases or words that can accurately describe how I feel, but they are all I have to hide behind. But it seems to be getting worse even though I finally got the guts to talk to him. Not to mention the fact that I felt like I looked as terrible as my mood, so I was not that confident to begin with. It'll be different next time, if there is one. And while I was lying awake in my bed, he was one of the many things that I thought about. It's so depressing how one thought can overshadow the other ones. And everything else in your life. He means so much more than he will ever know.

I want to immerse myself with work. I want to sew because the sun is finally coming out. And the weather is somewhat decent.

I really need to be less of a pessimist.

Yesterday was Mark Hoppus' birthday. I love that dude.

wow, I've managed to update every day this week, I believe. I may as well leave some entertaining things for the few that read my blog.
The Mindhacks blog. It's been one of my slight obsessions over the world wide webberverse.
Although this is a band that I have been raving about forever, putting the link up might entice more people to get into them. Come on, it's free!
Interesting, but filler. It makes my blog look cool.
Aww! Yes, it's authentic. And I believe, I held that in my hands at the ripe age of eight. I knew she entered a contest, but I didn't think she really won. O.o

... "And what did I do, that you can't seem to want me? And why do we lie here and whisper goodbye? And where can I go where you can't seem to haunt me? I could stay here all day, but that's not how you feel."

I'm currently watching Grosse Point Blank, which has John Cusack in it. You know I couldn't help it. And I'm thinking of watching Say Anything... Later, as well as Pretty In Pink.

I went to the mall today with Allie and she persuaded me to buy shoes. Actually, she bought the shoes for me. I promised her that I'll get her a present, or at least a very decent present, for her birthday as a way to repay her for it. But my title of Procrastinator does not help me here at all.

I need to get started on my essay. Which is the very last thing that I have motivation to do. And I would hope that I will accomplish this goal sometime later today.

I watched the SoCo concert that I got on DVD. I completely forgot how Andrew's voice is a bajillion times better live.

I am also adjusting the other sweater that I bought yesterday. It's really cute, but it is a tad bit bit on me. It's black, and it is (this is the designer snob side of me talking) DKNY. It was seventy five percent off, ftw.

So, I had a dream last night. About him. And no, it wasn't those kind of dreams. Or that kind. I've been talking about him alot lately and I suppose the mechanism in my brain that commits things to memory decided to convey to me that it is doing its job, by merely letting me remember that I had the dream. It was surprisingly hopeful, considering the fact that the only parts of the dream that I remember is that we were talking for hours during springtime. *le sigh*

... "I'm jealous of you moon, tonight you get to see her, alone beneath the stars and everything I fear, all my strength was tranquilized and everyday I get weaker, but stronger when I think of how we never sat silent, it was a big mistake to let me have my way in the first place, it was a big mistake to let me I memorize your face."

I'm such a wreck, and it's really starting to show.

The math test went okay, to some degree. The science test on the other hand, went terribly. There is no way that I could possibly pull an A here. My essay ended up pretty terrible as well. Whatever.

We might go to Portland tomorrow again, after McChord.

I might actually have an actual conversation with the aesthetically pleasing dude. Anthony is taking care of it. I'm not sure how, or if he will work it out, but Anthony and I are on relatively good terms, so one would think that will motivate him to work at it. Anthony and I are talking via internet, which is pretty impersonal, but considering the fact that I do not have lunch with him anymore. I guess this is what some people call 'progress'.

I deserve something good to happen to me, here.

I am so tired of other people. Here are my complaints:
1. Stop being so moronic, and believing that I really care about your SO.
2. Religion is not something that needs to be advertised. Stop talking about god and church, and I will resist the urge to hit you over the head with a stapler.
3. Stop being so gosh-darned romantic. And touchy feely.
4. Stop saying stupid things and expecting me to laugh along.
5. Stop being stupid.
6. When I'm talking, actually follow the conversation.

Have you realized how much time we spend trying to make other people laugh? It turns out, that when people laugh, endorphins are released so essentially, you can get high off of other people's happiness.

Uh.. I need to buy more Berrocco Ultra Alpaca Yarn. It is so luxurious- I can't stand it. It begs me to knit it into a sweater.

If you go about things mathematically, then you should expect a miracle to happen every thirty days. I read about it somewhere, but they were saying that miracle is supposedly "one in a million", right? So, you do approximately one thing per second, and a million seconds equal thirty days. Isn't that so cool? XD

... "I don't know how to love the right way, but you make me feel, you make me feel like I do."

I have a math test thursday and friday. And a science test on friday. And a rough draft due on Thursday. Oh, how will I survive this week?

I am thoroughly annoyed by the boy who I had a crush on ever since September. Yes. And I have to deal with him. Everyday. Thanks.

I Am The Avalanche is freaking awesome.

I talked to Brandon today before school started. He's the only person I can talk to intelligently about 24. He's so cool, but everybody tells him that. 24 is the only thing me and him have a real "bond" over, I guess.

I need to go to more shows. I downloaded Left At The Castle EP, which was good- but not as good as it was live. So, I need to go to more shows. Copeland is opening for Switchfoot in a few days. If only, it weren't in Seattle. =(
Thus, I have considered going to Rush's. I've heard that it's a cool place to go to hear live music. But I don't know if I'd be allowed to go.

In the next two years, I expect to be smarter somewhat. I hope to have a job at a thrift store of some sort. Definitely NOT a fast food place. I will either be dating someone, or not dating someone based on the idea of staying focused on school. I'll be driving. I'll have most of the friends that I have now, with a few additions.

Eh.. Not in a huge mood for writing at this moment.

... "Where we sat past eight or nine, and slowly finished laughing in the glow of our headlights, I've given alot of thought to the nights we used to have, the days have come and gone, our lives went by so fast."

Today sucked. I came home and cried.

Valentine's day is so ridiculous. I got tons of hershey's kisses, but I don't know what to do with them.
I am thoroughly tired of shiny balloons, roses, and conversation hearts. Please let this holiday die.

I've been talking to Anthony Egan lately on myspace. It's really weird talking to somebody like him outside of school. He's not as shallow/obnoxious/stupid as I thought he was. It's amazing how one thing that someone says, adds so much depth to their personality and general persona.

Tomorrow is Thursday. I want this week to end so badly, oh, please- let this end quickly.

I am dancing and moving but I feel no connection to that and my thoughts. My words feed into this machine, and come out of this mouth. I curl my hair, paint my face- and all these adornments, but it is all done in vain. I want to move my arms, and I see them do it- but I feel outside myself.

When you're talking to someone, and they feel far away, you know something has changed.

When there is something that I love- it is this pulsing magenta orange. Like, when you close your eyes on a sunny day, and move your eyes underneath your lids. When there is something that I hate- I feel this terrible green color in my arms. My arms seem to be a place where I feel alot of my emotions. I wonder why. Synesthesia is a weird thing.

I am tired of living like this. I'm living a lie that three people know about. Can you believe that I am so messed up, that I have to be medicated all the time? I'm just waiting the day that my liver will fail. The side effects are terrible enough. I don't want to be this way anymore- I can't pretend- it never ends. The letters are enough to make the saline leak out. I try so hard to be the opposite of the stereotype. In control, sane, calm. Serious. Smarter than. Even though I have all the confidence in the world- I have my own coach on etiquette in my head.

"If I can pretend, I don't depend, I can deny, deny, denial. Yet, when push comes to shove, and all the above, I decide to live the lie.. These words are all I have to hide behind."

... "While I'm drowning in the next room, the last contagious victim of this plague between us, I'm sick with apprehension, I'm crippled from exhaustion, and I dread the moment when you finally come to kill me."

So tired- need. More. Sleep.

I have an essay due soon and I have tons of writing to do. I got a start on it today and it surprised me how much writing I got done, by hand. So I'm thinking of using Microsoft tomorrow night if I have the time.

Food Science is not getting any better. Actually- it's gettting worse. We now have assigned seats. I sit next to an eighth grader. Who seems somewhat snobby, but first impressions are not something that I want to judge people by anymore. Because I actively work to make sure that people's first impression of me is false. I do not know why I necessarily do this, but it should mean something.

I bought a blink shirt and a motion city soundtrack shirt. The blink shirt cost me three dollars but you could probably fit me, and another person inside it. One more reason why I love having the ability to sew. The MCS shirt is pretty loose fitting as well. I bought a Gatsby's American Dream shirt a while back, and I got a Taking Back Sunday shirt a few months ago- and these need to be refitted as well. I'm thinking that I'll get to doing these in a few days.

I made Angela this really cute paper crane necklace thing for her birthday. It is relatively sturdy, and I absolutely loved it. I was seriously considering the idea of keeping it since I gave her a gift card, too. So, I'm going to make myself one sometime soon. I hope she likes it- it took me forever and a day to decide what to make her.

I also need to make myself a purse/wallet, desperately. The ones that I own now are not cutting it- and I could make one that I really like. Everytime that I go out, I need a bag or something and I simply do not have an awesome looking one.

DigiTools is an okay class. It's like, when you have a place that you go to that you do not expect to be awesome, but it is actually pretty enjoyable. I never look forward to this class mostly because when I got my schedule, I already expected it to be boring so my mind has this grey block over that period.

I need to be minding my Synesthesia more. My Synesthesia has faded away so much, it's hardly even there anymore. I guess the state of depression that I have been in lately has taken an even further toll on my synesthesia. I am planning on focusing on it more and having a better outlook on life so this will come back. My synesthesia is a reminder of how special and gifted that I am- I cannot afford to lose it. I cannot- I have no idea how my life would be without my synesthesia. I would die if it went away.

So, I'll describe some of the aspects of my synesthesia that I have been noticing lately.

my months are set up vertically. They are boxes, nonetheless, but I see them in two parts from January to July and then August to December. It's darkest at the latter part of the calender. When the year ends, it has to go all the way back to the top to start the year off again. The boxes accord to the months, the color of the months are the colors of the boxes. The days of the week are also colored in the boxes. The days are not numbered.
It's late. I'm going to bed. I'll try to write more about this whole thing later.

Oh- we're learning about imaginary numbers in math now. I can't stand how silly I feel.

... "Welcome to the new year; these people all suck, I'd rather be home feeling violent and lonely.. The postcard that's taped to the freezer reads 'Wish you were here', oh, I wish I could disappear."

I'm going crazy today. PMS seems to be getting worse as I age, but dude- I kicked the stove today AND I threw a dishwashing brush at the cabinets. And I cried. Twice. O.o

I went to EMP/the space needle/ the mall with Riza, Angela, and Angela's friends. Those little biznatches ate my three-dollar cotton candy. And yes, I am very angry about it for reasons that pertain to the last paragraph.
We had fun- we went to this battle of the bands thing, which was amazing! Left to the castle was the only band we saw, but they were very poppy/very awesome at building up to the drums... =D
Andandand- totally got home at like ten. And I plopped on my bed and still couldn't sleep despite the exhaustion.

I think I got some kind of bug somewhere along the way, so I felt sick and we left before the whole thing stopped. I really wanted to stay and I could tell that Riza wanted to as well; I felt extraordinarily guilty. I still feel very sick and I'm pretty pissed off at the world for letting me have this but hey:
MY POWERFUL IMMUNE SYSTEM CONQUERS ALL AND WILL DESTROY SAID BUG THAT IS IN MY BODY!!!

I watched Pretty In Pink today, and cried as I watched it. So adorable! And with Andrew McCarthy [second greatest/favorite-ist 'Andrew' ever!]= made everything better. I loved the part with the computer thing *le sigh*. I keep feeling like his character reminds me of somebody, but I cannot quite place it.. O.o

We went to McChord today and I got some jeans. It was sweet. And I returned my sweater [blahblah.. Reimbursed. Okay.] so I got forty dollars back. Sweet. I now have about fifty dollars. I have no clue as to how that happened, since I was in debt a few months ago. Whoa.

I wore the sweater that I made to school on Friday and actually got compliments. So that was cool. I got quite a bit of compliments [10+] XD

I'm getting back onto myspace for one reason or another. Only if people comment me, I guess. It's pretty embarassing getting on myspace at home though. And I hate the idea that they are making money off of me [Really- social networking = $$$]

I intended this weekend to consist of sleeping. Did not happen at all so I'm incredibly tired and will probably die in the middle of next week, yup.

Took tons of pictures yesterday; still need to be developed, when they are, I'll scan them and show them to you guys.

... "These dreams we've had, have never made you cry and I am not the twinkle in your eye."

I sit at the front of the classroom in food science, and because the building was built before Columbine, the wall is completely made of windows. And so, I get to look into other classrooms. I love the idea of being able to watch life without having to actually be a part of it. Cassel's class, Huntley's, and Gallaher's are the ones that I have access to. It's so fun trying to pick out who is who, what they are saying, and what they are doing. Needless to say- I have taken to people watching.

Food science is less than exciting. If I've picked up this new hobby, you know that it's pretty stupid. [OMGZ! 1/4 inch cubes!!]

Digitools is awesome only because Lorren, Debbie and I have fun in the class.

This will be one of the last times I will mention this, but..
When I won the contest, I found myself telling myself, "So this is what people mean when they talk about 'life'" Which made me realize the monotony of my current routine. I need to make something *happen*. sigh.

We did a standardized test called DRP today. Extraordinarily boring, and about the most ridiculous things. [omgz termites! omgz bones!] I am thoroughly against these tests. All these tests do is dictate what we learn. I'm talking moreso about the WASL here, but still. The teachers constantly stress over the WASL and giving us tips to pass. Graduation requirement? Really? I also hate how the teacher has to read a thing to the class. All this does is control what the teacher does so they don't tell us the answers. Why don't they? This is not a true test as far as our intellect goes. I'd love to meet the genius who absolutely loves *gasp* If, then, because statements, writing as small as possible to fit into the god forsaken box, writing about the most trite and boring things, and being as typical as they possibly can. This does not prepare us for anything. If I were to become a scientist, would I be drilled if I did not write my validity statement according to the WASL standards? WASL = totalitarian.

These tests also limit our spectrum of what knowledge is, and more importantly- which kinds of knowledge are more important. Thinking outside the box is not valued on these tests. The most bland person can pass these tests, but the creative people get a huge red dot on their transcript and are sent to remedial classes. A person can not be themselves when it comes to these things- they have to learn to conform to the standards that are thoroughly pounded into the huge muscle in their heads. It makes one kind of knowledge mean less than another, essentially. If I truly wanted to conform to the WASL ideals, I would have learned how to read at age five and not two, I would have been placed in special education classes instead of being in the normal classes and ranking high; I would have hated art and loved math; and I would be another painted, superficial drone that the people who created the WASL always wanted me to be.

They are targeting the young and making us believe that certain kinds of knowledge are better than others. And those other kinds of knowledge, are worse than none at all. This may not have been the original intent- but it may certainly happen in the future. We are already forced between taking the test or not graduating- they are inducing fear, which is something that motivates everyone [really, what would humans be like now if they weren't afraid of being punished by an all-knowing god?]

*steps off soapbox*

... " A sip of wine, a sip of water, someday maybe we'll be smarter, and I'm sorry that I'm such a mess, I drank all my money could get and used everything you let me have, and I know I'll never have you back."

Today was excellent.
/sarcasm

My AR points for the first semester: 24 [or maybe not..] the AR goal needed to pass: 75. Thanks.

I am going to the Jack's thing on Monday. Which is the only highlight of my day.

I retook my math test but I'm not sure how well I did. Certainly better than the twenty percent I got before.

The semester is totally over. And the week is, as well. I'm so happy that I've survived the week- and I'm ecstatic that it is completely over and in the past. This week has been so terrible despite my luck that I got from winning the contest. Stressed out because:
1. The crush that I have that is completely hopeless, will not go anywhere, and it will probably not progress at all considering that I have one class with him now.
2. The crush I have that will progress somewhat, but he'd never get the guts to ask me out.
3. The somewhat crush that will progress somewhat, but it won't get anywhere either because we've talked once. Ever.
4. The whole AR thing
5. Retaking my test
6. The new chapter in math being so incredibly annoying
7. The Jack's thing, which is weird.
8. My grades are coming in thirteen days.
9. My schedule for next semester.
10. ^^ My lunch.
11. My ability to not gain weight at all, no matter how many times I eat or not
12. My inability to tell the difference between the truth and a lie.
13. Just acknowledging the stress makes me feel slightly worse.
14. The irony of all these stress factors, even though I have so much self esteem. You'd think that being happy with who I am [sans being skinny] would make it easier to deal with it. Ashley Rinehart asked me today if anything was wrong [she has talked to me twice this week, I have no idea why. She's never talked to me before.] and that I looked like I was crying. I was.

I am hoping that mom and dad will let me stop taking math classes after this year. Seriously. I have met the requirements, I don't want to do this anymore. I am learning all these mindless concepts and have no reasoning behind it. I do all these things that the textbook tells me, but I have no idea why I'm doing it, what I will ever do with it, and I try to remember the last time I saw this beneficial.

All that winning the contest did was verify my solipsism. So I am once more feeling hopeless, lonely, and lied to. I have no motivation to do anything anymore, and my grades certainly show it. There is no thing that has meaning to me anymore. I wake up in the morning and find myself wondering how I can convince my mother to let me stay home. I've never carried out those conversations, and I probably never will.

For the next couple of weeks, we are going to have Valentine's Day thrown in our faces every hour. I hate those darned conversation hearts. And the glittery red hearts that are always around. No, I will not give my firstborn to the Happy Hearts Foundation.

But gosh, I'm smart. I'm clever, I have tons of skills in different arenas. Why is it that my worth is now determined by my grades and the number that decides how smart I am? It is never enough. Sure, you can get an A, but someone has probably done better than you have. All the effort you put into the work, it's not like the teacher is going to come back to you ten years from now, complimenting on how excellently you did on that worksheet/quiz/test/final. Some teachers don't even look at what you've written, why put in all this effort when it is not recognized, and they merely put a check by your name? Most of my teachers don't even know my name.
/selfishness

Angela's birthday is coming up and I have to get her a present. She seems to like the things I make, so I'll go that route. I'm not sure whether I'm going to get Andy anything or not [their birthdays are a week apart, so Andy's is the seventh and Angela's is on Valentines' Day]

I'm hoping to do some yoga this weekend, in hopes of making my mood go up.

We have to talk in spanish all the time in spanish class now. Until the end of the year. This exercise is supposed to be beneficial, it would be if I planned on speaking spanish all of my life and no english. Does that point out how asinine the exercise is, now?

Just.. Give me one good reason.